I have been thinking a lot lately about how easy our lives are as Americans. Particularly, as a man, I have thought about some inventions or creations that have made my life "better":
Global Positioning Systems (GPS) - Sounds very "007" like, and I have to admit, I am in awe of this technology. As a man, I no longer have to ask for directions and lose my dignity. Technology allows me to continue to pretend to know exactly where I am going and actually find my destination! It is interesting, however, that the voice set as the default in a GPS system is female...
Pre-cooked bacon - This is the man's equivalent of chocolate. Just pop it in the microwave for 15 seconds and out comes a fattening, flavorful treat...
Flat Screen TV's - What other invention allows you to watch a football game framed on a wall and call it art...
McRib Sandwich - Forget the lattes,cappuccinos,espressos,macchiatos and mochas (I had to look up how to spell some of these and I don't even know what some of them are!). Nothing like a good slab of fat combined with BBQ sauce and raw onions to stimulate the salivary glands! McDonald's has probably extended my life expectancy by only offering them once a year...
Super Big Gulp - Seven Eleven stores now have a 44 ounce beverage that,without ice, holds 64 ounces. GM and Ford are going to have to design larger cup holders in future models! Don't get me wrong, I am not about excess. Exercise and moderation are important for a healthy lifestyle. I fill my Big Gulp's with Diet Pepsi...
3-in-1 Shampoo, Body Wash and Conditioner - I knew this day was coming and this invention will likely never be used by women,but to have one set of synthetic ingredients that I can use in the shower is like manna from heaven. One bottle that does it all makes personal hygiene a breeze...
So what inventions have made your life easier? I would love to hear from you...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Questions That Have Plagued Mankind
Sorry for the delay in writing another blog, but due to such an overwhelming number of requests (thanks Mom for your e-mail!), I have decided to post again. This time, however, I would like to make this more interactive...
The most difficult form of creativity is humor... (You can use this quote if you like - it's available for a licensing fee of $9.95!). That is why I am asking for your help (plus I know how creative many of you are!)...
What are the questions that you have always wandered about???
Here are a few examples of some questions to get you started...
Where did the dinosaurs go?
What are the words to Louie Louie? (by the Kingsmen)
Paper or plastic?
Should guys use lol when texting?
Does the earth's axis change when more people place their toilet paper rolling from the underside versus over the top?
Who holds the popcorn at the movies during a date?
You get the point... Nothing too serious, just those frequently occurring questions that you have always wandered about.
I will allow a place for you to post these on this blog, or you can send them to me on my Facebook page..
After I have compiled a list, I will place them on a poll for people to vote.
Be creative, and your anonymity will be honored.. I won't write any more names or numbers on the bathroom stalls of public restrooms, I promise!!!
The most difficult form of creativity is humor... (You can use this quote if you like - it's available for a licensing fee of $9.95!). That is why I am asking for your help (plus I know how creative many of you are!)...
What are the questions that you have always wandered about???
Here are a few examples of some questions to get you started...
Where did the dinosaurs go?
What are the words to Louie Louie? (by the Kingsmen)
Paper or plastic?
Should guys use lol when texting?
Does the earth's axis change when more people place their toilet paper rolling from the underside versus over the top?
Who holds the popcorn at the movies during a date?
You get the point... Nothing too serious, just those frequently occurring questions that you have always wandered about.
I will allow a place for you to post these on this blog, or you can send them to me on my Facebook page..
After I have compiled a list, I will place them on a poll for people to vote.
Be creative, and your anonymity will be honored.. I won't write any more names or numbers on the bathroom stalls of public restrooms, I promise!!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Gramps!!!
You're old!!! I have heard this many times from my children, their friends and even my spouse! I have always thought age was a state of mind...hold on, I forgot what I was thinking... O.K. I remember now. I really don't feel that much different than I did when I was in my twenties. Time seems to be moving faster, I have gained some weight and hair seems to have been redistributed from the top of my head down to my nose and ears (must be happening in the shower!), but other than that I feel pretty good. Until...
Our oldest daughter calls and tells us that her and her husband are expecting their first child together. I am still a young guy at 46 (younger people would disagree), but the prospect of being a grandparent seems to have accelerated the aging process. Maybe it's just the names - Grandpa,Pa Pa,Pappy,Granddad, Grandfather, or my personal favorite "Gramps". If these won't make you feel old, nothing will. Maybe its the cheesy sweatshirts and hats that say "World's Greatest Grandpa" or the ones that have those black & white scanned photos of the grandparent and/or grandchildren on them.
I have always heard how enjoyable it is being a grandparent. Being able to spoil them and send them home, not having to have the grandchildren follow the same rules as your children, etc. These could provide some great opportunities for me to reclaim some of my childhood.
Maybe it's not about what your called or what you wear, maybe its just about enjoying where you are in life and what you have been blessed with! Did it really take me being a Grandparent to figure this out??? Sometimes I forget, but maybe that's just a function of old age... Must be time for my nap...
P.S. It's a girl!!!
Our oldest daughter calls and tells us that her and her husband are expecting their first child together. I am still a young guy at 46 (younger people would disagree), but the prospect of being a grandparent seems to have accelerated the aging process. Maybe it's just the names - Grandpa,Pa Pa,Pappy,Granddad, Grandfather, or my personal favorite "Gramps". If these won't make you feel old, nothing will. Maybe its the cheesy sweatshirts and hats that say "World's Greatest Grandpa" or the ones that have those black & white scanned photos of the grandparent and/or grandchildren on them.
I have always heard how enjoyable it is being a grandparent. Being able to spoil them and send them home, not having to have the grandchildren follow the same rules as your children, etc. These could provide some great opportunities for me to reclaim some of my childhood.
Maybe it's not about what your called or what you wear, maybe its just about enjoying where you are in life and what you have been blessed with! Did it really take me being a Grandparent to figure this out??? Sometimes I forget, but maybe that's just a function of old age... Must be time for my nap...
P.S. It's a girl!!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Ernesto Kidnapped!!!
WARNING! WHAT YOU ARE SEEING AND ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY BE TOO DISTURBING FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13 YEARS OF AGE.
Well, our worst fears have come true. Ernesto the sock monkey's popularity and fame has caused him to become a target for ransom. We received in the mail the above photo along with some of Ernesto's stuffing. We are told that he was tortured - instead of water boarding he was stretched on a loom. We are not sure the group responsible for this terrible crime, but we suspect some type of guerrilla terrorists. The reason for our suspicion is their initial ransom request is for twelve, unmarked bananas. I guess they mean we need to peel the "Chiquita" label off of the bananas. We will do whatever it takes to bring back our Ernesto :(
Thursday, February 25, 2010
SQUIRREL!!!!!
In one of my favorite movies, Christmas Vacation, I can still hear Clark W. Griswold's Father yelling out SQUIRREL!!!!!! as the brown rodent darted out from the second family Christmas tree placed in their living room. The reactions of family members as some fainted, screamed, and hid in fear of the rabid squirrel were quite hilarious. I had an encounter with a squirrel that left me with a similar response...
I like animals. I really do. This is what prompted me to take pity on a "homeless" squirrel at a park one summer day. I went down to the park for lunch with my typical fast food fare (I believe Dairy Queen(D.Q.)) on a Friday afternoon. A beautiful sunny day, a break from work before the weekend, and a flame broiled burger, fries and hot fudge sundae. It just doesn't get any better than this. Or so I thought...
I decided to share my cornucopia of good fortune with a scrawny, brown squirrel I'll call Rex (I have chosen to withhold his real name to protect his reputation due to his recent visit to the state penitentiary). Rex was obviously in need of sustenance. The curvature of his back showing through his coarse brown hair and his haunting, shallow beady eyes indicated the lack of a good meal. I started by throwing a single french fry out on the grass for him to indulge upon. He clearly enjoyed this fry, so I threw out another, and another, and another. The fries couldn't come fast enough for Rex as he drew closer and closer. I started to become uncomfortable as Rex started to invade my "safe" space. I became concerned if I didn't continue his new fry fixation that he might attack, and worst of all, take my hot fudge sundae. I'm sorry, but no one was going to come between me and my hot fudge sundae. Not even a rabid squirrel.
As Rex drew closer, the number of fries left in my super sized order was drawing short. I begin to throw out multiple fries in hopes of distracting him and causing him to pull back on his position he now had negotiated with me. As I threw out additional fries, I soon began to see the bottom of my fry box. I felt a reasonable military tactic would be to provide a distraction by scattering the remaining fries and retreat to the safety of my car. The only problem with this strategy was that my aim in scattering the fries was a bit misguided. Some of the fries fell into the cuff of my pant leg. Rex decided to make sure his plate was completely clean and lunged at my pant leg to fulfill his newly found potato addiction. As he lunged, he sunk his long,rodent teeth into my pant leg that attached him to my cuff. Swinging my leg, Rex acted like a shark that had just tasted blood in the water and would not release. I let out a high pitched scream that rivaled any young teenage girl at a rock concert. I looked at the picnic table and saw my hot fudge sundae and the remainder of my hamburger. I reached for the hamburger and proceeded to hurl the remainder of it like a discus at Rex's head. He released momentarily to indulge in yet another fattening fixation as he went for the hamburger. I seized the moment to retreat to my car, not looking back at the carnage that was assuredly behind me.
As I got back into my car, I felt relief. I could still see rabid Rex ripping into the flame broiled burger that I had hurled at him just a moment ago. But wait... my hot fudge sundae was still sitting on the picnic table. I was not about to relinquish my delectable dessert to this carnivorous squirrel. I needed a plan, a strategy, but quickly...
I reached down below my seat and found an ice scraper. What was I going to do with an ice scraper??? I have no idea, but it seemed like a formidable weapon in this battle over caloric dominance. I opened the door, with ice scraper in hand, and charged "the hill" to take back my hot fudge sundae. The high pitched screams of earlier were replaced with the deep bellowing of the word CHARGE!!! as I set out to reclaim my hot fudge sundae. The determination in my eyes, strength of my voice and quickness of step caused Rex to abandon his smorgasbord in order for me to reclaim my sundae. I haven't seen Rex since, but heard later that he did 3 months prison time (10 years in squirrel time) for abducting some chicken nuggets from a child's Happy Meal.
I like animals. I really do. This is what prompted me to take pity on a "homeless" squirrel at a park one summer day. I went down to the park for lunch with my typical fast food fare (I believe Dairy Queen(D.Q.)) on a Friday afternoon. A beautiful sunny day, a break from work before the weekend, and a flame broiled burger, fries and hot fudge sundae. It just doesn't get any better than this. Or so I thought...
I decided to share my cornucopia of good fortune with a scrawny, brown squirrel I'll call Rex (I have chosen to withhold his real name to protect his reputation due to his recent visit to the state penitentiary). Rex was obviously in need of sustenance. The curvature of his back showing through his coarse brown hair and his haunting, shallow beady eyes indicated the lack of a good meal. I started by throwing a single french fry out on the grass for him to indulge upon. He clearly enjoyed this fry, so I threw out another, and another, and another. The fries couldn't come fast enough for Rex as he drew closer and closer. I started to become uncomfortable as Rex started to invade my "safe" space. I became concerned if I didn't continue his new fry fixation that he might attack, and worst of all, take my hot fudge sundae. I'm sorry, but no one was going to come between me and my hot fudge sundae. Not even a rabid squirrel.
As Rex drew closer, the number of fries left in my super sized order was drawing short. I begin to throw out multiple fries in hopes of distracting him and causing him to pull back on his position he now had negotiated with me. As I threw out additional fries, I soon began to see the bottom of my fry box. I felt a reasonable military tactic would be to provide a distraction by scattering the remaining fries and retreat to the safety of my car. The only problem with this strategy was that my aim in scattering the fries was a bit misguided. Some of the fries fell into the cuff of my pant leg. Rex decided to make sure his plate was completely clean and lunged at my pant leg to fulfill his newly found potato addiction. As he lunged, he sunk his long,rodent teeth into my pant leg that attached him to my cuff. Swinging my leg, Rex acted like a shark that had just tasted blood in the water and would not release. I let out a high pitched scream that rivaled any young teenage girl at a rock concert. I looked at the picnic table and saw my hot fudge sundae and the remainder of my hamburger. I reached for the hamburger and proceeded to hurl the remainder of it like a discus at Rex's head. He released momentarily to indulge in yet another fattening fixation as he went for the hamburger. I seized the moment to retreat to my car, not looking back at the carnage that was assuredly behind me.
As I got back into my car, I felt relief. I could still see rabid Rex ripping into the flame broiled burger that I had hurled at him just a moment ago. But wait... my hot fudge sundae was still sitting on the picnic table. I was not about to relinquish my delectable dessert to this carnivorous squirrel. I needed a plan, a strategy, but quickly...
I reached down below my seat and found an ice scraper. What was I going to do with an ice scraper??? I have no idea, but it seemed like a formidable weapon in this battle over caloric dominance. I opened the door, with ice scraper in hand, and charged "the hill" to take back my hot fudge sundae. The high pitched screams of earlier were replaced with the deep bellowing of the word CHARGE!!! as I set out to reclaim my hot fudge sundae. The determination in my eyes, strength of my voice and quickness of step caused Rex to abandon his smorgasbord in order for me to reclaim my sundae. I haven't seen Rex since, but heard later that he did 3 months prison time (10 years in squirrel time) for abducting some chicken nuggets from a child's Happy Meal.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
As I travelled to North Carolina for a sales call this week, I reminisced over a few of my memorable travel/selling experiences:
25. Sitting next to a Chihuahua on a flight to L.A.
24. Being solicited by a female in a hotel elevator.
23. Being solicited by a male in a hotel elevator (not the same person as above).
22. Being robbed in a hotel room.
21. Aren't you Nicolas Cage???
20. Setting off the sprinkler system by hanging a shirt on the sprinkler head in a hotel room.
19. Running out of gas.
18. Getting lost in East L.A.
17. Getting lost in East St. Louis.
16. Realizing I had mismatched socks during a customer meeting.
15. Driving the wrong way on the NJ turnpike.
14. Saying "Holy Cow!" to two Indian customers.
13. Spitting raw squid into a napkin (in a dignified manner) during a dinner in Japan.
12. Getting kidney stones on an 8 hour flight from Europe.
11. Having a cockroach run up my leg on an American Airlines flight.
10. Threatening to be shot with a shotgun located behind a buyer's desk when requesting a price increase.
9. Backing over a laptop in a car 30 minutes before the presentation.
8. Listening to the response "Well You Oughta" by a salesperson explaining the reason why a customer should buy our product.
7. Running a toll gate (with the arm still down) in Chicago in my boss's car with my boss sitting next to me.
6. Using my tie for a napkin.
5. Speaking Spanish to a French waiter in France (Si instead of oui).
4. Making shadow puppets before a presentation.
3. Listening (not watching) a college soccer competition (occurring in their underwear)outside my hotel room.
2. Finding out your not the only one with the same hotel key for room 248 at 2:00 a.m.
1. Airplane engine failure on descent into O'Hare Airport.
25. Sitting next to a Chihuahua on a flight to L.A.
24. Being solicited by a female in a hotel elevator.
23. Being solicited by a male in a hotel elevator (not the same person as above).
22. Being robbed in a hotel room.
21. Aren't you Nicolas Cage???
20. Setting off the sprinkler system by hanging a shirt on the sprinkler head in a hotel room.
19. Running out of gas.
18. Getting lost in East L.A.
17. Getting lost in East St. Louis.
16. Realizing I had mismatched socks during a customer meeting.
15. Driving the wrong way on the NJ turnpike.
14. Saying "Holy Cow!" to two Indian customers.
13. Spitting raw squid into a napkin (in a dignified manner) during a dinner in Japan.
12. Getting kidney stones on an 8 hour flight from Europe.
11. Having a cockroach run up my leg on an American Airlines flight.
10. Threatening to be shot with a shotgun located behind a buyer's desk when requesting a price increase.
9. Backing over a laptop in a car 30 minutes before the presentation.
8. Listening to the response "Well You Oughta" by a salesperson explaining the reason why a customer should buy our product.
7. Running a toll gate (with the arm still down) in Chicago in my boss's car with my boss sitting next to me.
6. Using my tie for a napkin.
5. Speaking Spanish to a French waiter in France (Si instead of oui).
4. Making shadow puppets before a presentation.
3. Listening (not watching) a college soccer competition (occurring in their underwear)outside my hotel room.
2. Finding out your not the only one with the same hotel key for room 248 at 2:00 a.m.
1. Airplane engine failure on descent into O'Hare Airport.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
"Ernesto Makes It Big!"
Hangin' out with 'sis
Learning how to drive
Playing Guitar Hero 
Hangin' around
Potty trainingThere's not a prouder moment when one of your children makes it big. My son Ernesto is no exception. We adopted Ernesto when he was just a dirty baby bootie we found in the drawer of an antique dresser. By the way, Ernesto happens to be a sock monkey!
He made it big last weekend when he was featured on the latest Kia car commercial during the Superbowl. He really didn't start his modeling and acting career until I took him to a "bring your children to work" day when I was working for an advertising agency. He was featured on a Christmas card and did some undergarment modeling, but nothing too big.
That's when he decided to move to L.A. to jump start his acting career. His Mom and I were worried, being out in L.A. unsupervised. After all, who would do his laundry (especially his socks!). He got into some trouble and actually got a tattoo sewn on his arm that said "Mom" on it. Mom was not amused. He did manage to stay in touch, but since the commercial we haven't heard as much from him. We have fond memories of him and his siblings that we also raised from booties.
Visit the Kia site to see Ernesto's commercial. I am so proud!
I have also attached some photos of Ernesto during the formative years of his life. I hope you enjoy. Ernesto - if you happen to see this, call your Mother!!!
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